JOKES PAGE

Wedding Dress

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'  The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'  The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

-Thanks, John and Jean Lake

In a Hurry

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.  As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!  'While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.  She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.  As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

-Thanks, John and Jean Lake

End Date

 An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

 -Thanks, John and Jean Lake

Mom

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'   He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Why?

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a babysitter.'

Big 10

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'  Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

-Thanks, John and Jean Lake

Engaged

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.   Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'   Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side.  I think I'm going to have a wife.'

 Shirley and Marcy

 A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.   So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he wouldn't notice her.   She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

 The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
 
 As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?   Do you know her?'
 
 Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'   The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'   'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'   'Shirley Goodnest?  Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'

 'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
 And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
 
 May the Lord bless you and keep you; may the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you; may the Lord lift His countenance upon you and give you peace.   May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and all the days of your life!

-Thanks, Clarice and Marvin Wales
 

 

 

 

 

Copyright Gospel Communications International, Inc - www.reverendfun.com

Little John the Baptist

 Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.  He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.  She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"  Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

- Thanks, John and Jean Lake

 +++

Dirty Laundry

A young couple moved into the house next to the church parsonage. A few days later, the pastor's wife called the pastor into the kitchen. She was peering out the window. "Look at our neighbor hanging the wash out on the line. That laundry is still dirty! She must be a newlywed who doesn't know how to wash clothes properly. Maybe she's not using enough laundry soap."

The pastor urged his wife not to say anything, but the next week, sure enough, the neighbor's dirty laundry hung on the line again. And again the following week. Every time the pastor's wife peered out the window, she saw her neighbor's dirty laundry hanging on the clothesline.

Then, one morning as she scurried around getting breakfast, the pastor's wife exclaimed, "Look! She finally got the clothes clean!   I wonder who helped her?"

The pastor smiled and said, "Honey, no one helped her. I just got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"
 

Thanks, CTA, Inc

Heart Problems

Thanks, CTA, Inc

+ + +

Now for a few groaners . . .

• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
• In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blown Apart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• A hard-boiled egg is hard to beat.

Nativity Scene

Passing through a small Southern town one evening in December, I was impressed to see a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.  It was so beautiful that I got out of my car for a closer look.  One small feature did bother me, though:  The three Wise Men seemed to be wearing firemen's helmets.  

 Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left, pondering.  At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.  She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "Y'all Yankees never do read the Bible!"

 I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.  She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.  Sticking it in my face, she announced triumphantly, "See, it says right here:  'The three wise men came from afar.'"

 - Thanks, Maxine Hall!

Familiar...

Once upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple with a bell that wouldn't ring. People came from miles around to try it.   One day a small fellow came up to the minister and said 'I can do it'.   The minister said 'Ok, try it.'   The little fellow went to the steeple, took three steps back and ran into the bell with his face.   BONG!!   The bell rang and he was hired.   

The minister came through the crowd and asked, 'Does anyone know this fellow's name?'   Just then one person replies, 'I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!

God's Voice Mail?

 We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life.  But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

 Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House.  Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests 
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries

I am sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now.  However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order in which it was received, so please stay on the line.  If you would like to speak to:

• God - press 1

• Jesus - press 2

• The Holy Spirit - press 3

• If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 4.

• To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 5.  Enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key.  If you get a negative response, try area code 666.

• For reservations at My Father's House, please enter JOHN followed by 3-16.

• For nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

 Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.  Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.  Please pray again Monday after 9:30am.  If you need emergency assistance dial 1(900)GOD-WHYME  (this is a toll call).

 - Thanks, Jean Nesbitt!

Religion, Government, and Politics

A minister went into a Washington barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked how much he owed the barber. "No charge, Pastor," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the minister.

A few days later, a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

Forgive Us

And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

-  Thanks, Maggie Buckley

A Man of Few Words

A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years.  Then they could only say 2 words. The first seven years passed and they went into a small room.  His 2 word were "too cold".

The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food".

The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I quit".

"Good", they said, "all you have done is complain."

No Longer Needed

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

Maxims for a Lifetime

First Things First?

  "William," said the Sunday school teacher, "can you tell me what we must do before we can expect forgiveness of sin?" 

"Yes, ma'am," replied the boy.  "We've got to sin."

Monks Selling Flowers

Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works.  The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon they were flocking to the shop.

Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen.  They politely declined.

So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to persuade the monks to abandon the business.  He declined as well.

Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest and his children to visit the monks, asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living.  It didn't work.

Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion.  Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a cudgel, shattered the windows of the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monks black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business.

Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery.

Proving, of course...


... Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Don't Worry Lord

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

Believe

During the service, the Sunday School teacher brought in the little ones to present to the adults what they had been learning.

The children stood in a row before the congregation and the teacher started the ball rolling by saying.....

"I believe in..."

The first child then responded with the expression;  "The Father."

The second child then added: "The Son."

There then followed a long silence, when one of the other children spoke up.

"Please Miss, the girl who believes in the Holy Spirit is not here today."

Favorite Hymns

 The Dentist's Hymn:..................Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn.........There Shall be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn............The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn......................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn....................There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn..........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn............ I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn....................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn...........Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn.............Sweet By and By

Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you:
45 mph.......God Will Take Care of You
55 mph.......Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.......Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph.......Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph.......This World Is Not My Home
95 mph.......Lord, I'm Coming Home
100 mph.....Precious Memories
 

Christian Football

Quarterback Sneak - church members quietly leaving during the invitation or closing prayer.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - the period between Sunday School and the worship service, when some choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings (often signaled by the famous words, "In conclusion....").

Instant Replay- the preacher shares one of his favorite illustrations, which you have heard once or twice before.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes into "overtime".

Trap play- You're called on to pray or answer a question, but you have nodded off.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to effect your life.

Halfback Option - the decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the coffee and cookies following the closing prayer.

My Dad

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.  The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat.  My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.   And, then it takes eight people with big dishes to collect all the money!"

Day at the Races 

George loves the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves one of the horses. George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.

George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants ... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites!"

The Wedding

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.   While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.   So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine the crowd was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.   The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

- Thanks, Maggie Buckley!

Where is God?

  Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were always playing pranks and getting into mischief.   When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it.   Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety.   What if their children should "step over the line" and get in trouble with the Law?   

  They decided to send the boys to talk with the pastor of the church, a Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.   The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home to the church.   When he sat in the chair across from the pastor's desk, the pastor regarded him with a deep scowl, and after a minute said, "Young man, Where is God?"   The boy remained silent in his chair.   The pastor raised his voice.   "Young, man, I said, where is God?"   Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously.   The pastor leaned over his desk and yelled, "Young man, I asked you a question!" "Now where is God?" 

In terror the boy leaped from his chair, ran home, vaulted up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid in his closet.   The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering in the closet.   "What happened?" he said, starting to get scared himself.   "Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the 8-year-old.   "God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it."

Church Signs

Fairway Fairness
 

  One Sunday a minister played hooky from church so he could enjoy a round of golf, leaving his assistant to conduct the service.  He drove to a faraway golf course to avoid bumping into any parishioners.  

Looking down, St. Peter said to God, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot, and scored a 420-yard hole in one.  St. Peter was outraged.  "I thought you were going to punish him!" he said to the Lord.

The Lord looked at St. Peter and replied, "So who's he going to tell?" 

Flying High

  My Uncle Jack is an avid pilot and took his minister -- who had never flown before -- up for a ride.  The clergyman was afraid of heights, so my uncle tried to comfort him.  "Didn't the Lord say, 'I am with you always'?"" Uncle Jack asked.

  The minister replied, "Jack, the correct quote is 'Lo, I am with you always.'"

Softball Standout

 The softball game between members of our church and a local synagogue was tied until the bottom of the ninth inning, when our pastor hit the game-winning run.  He jokingly attributed his success to the benediction he had given before the game.

  The following week we presented him with a trophy inscribed "Most Valuable Prayer."

Praise the Lord
 

In a small town lived on elderly woman who loved the Lord very much. Every morning she would run out on the front porch of her home and shout, "Praise the Lord!".   This really made her next door neighbor mad because he was an atheist.   So each morning he would shout back at her, "There ain't no Lord!"

 Hard times hit the little town and the elderly woman still ran out on her front porch every morning to shout, "Praise the Lord!",  but now she added; "...and Lord please send me some groceries."   Her neighbor thought,  "This is my chance to teach her a lesson!"

 The next morning when the elderly woman ran out on her front porch to shout,  "Praise the Lord",  she noticed a nice big bag of groceries waiting for her.   She shouted,  "Thank You and Praise You, Lord!"   Out from behind a bush jumped her neighbor,  laughing and saying;  "I told you there ain't no Lord!   I bought those groceries!"

The elderly woman replied;   "Praise the Lord!   Not only did You give me groceries,   You made the devil pay for them!"

Professional Help

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning she found she had locked her keys in the car.  She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter and didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.

The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."  The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."  So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.  Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.  She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"  He said, "SURE", walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud..... "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"

Cast of Characters 

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.   He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city,  but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

  -  Thanks, Doug Lindsay!

Church Bulletin Bloopers Part III

Computer Truth 

  Jesus and Satan are arguing again, and God decides to test them on computers to see who can get more done.  They both have two hours to work, and they write reports and collect detailed research and much more.  15 minutes before the time is up, a huge electrical storm knocks out their power.   The two sit in silence for 5 minutes until the power comes back on. 

  Satan turns on his computer, discovers all his work has been deleted, and begins to swear every curse known to man.  Jesus calmly boots up his computer and finishes a few papers.   Satan immediately accuses Jesus of cheating and asks God what happened. 

God shrugs and says 

"Jesus Saves".

- Thanks, Nick Imholte!

 +++ 

The REAL Job 

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

-  Thanks, Doug Lindsay!

+++ 

Straight from the Garden of Eden 

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.   Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.  I t was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.   "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.   "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.   With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:
"I think it's Adam's suit!"

  -  Thanks, Doug Lindsay!

+++ 

 WWJD? 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.   The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,  "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus."

-  Thanks, Doug Lindsay!

 +++

Of One A Cord! 

As the guest preacher made his way to the pulpit, he was wired for sound with an older style corded lapel mike.  Unfortunately, such mikes were a new experiences for him.  Still, he decided that he would ignore the mike as best he could and not allow it to dampen his animated delivery. 

As he began to preach, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.  Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.   After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

 +++

Good News/Bad News for a Pastor 

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News:  You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs.  Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and  Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News:  It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

- Thanks, Becky Roney!

+++

Family Ties 

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"

A little kid said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The child said, "Well, you know they are always talking about
The Verge 'n' Mary."

 Nursery Verse

Each class in the Church School was asked to select a Bible verse that somehow reflected the theme and character of the class -- even the church nursery was asked to participate.

     This assignment puzzled the nursery workers...until they lit upon 1Corinthians 15:51 -- "We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed..."

Now That's HotMail! 

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arriving, he immediately plugged his laptop into his hotel room the phone line and sent a short email back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, "JennJohn@world.net."

     Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email ended up going to "JeanJohn@world.net," a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day.  The preacher's wife took one look at the email and promptly fainted.  It read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

 

---

Net Prayers 

A mother was teaching her three-year-old the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.

      One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word . . . right up to the end.

      "Lead us not into temptation but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

 Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

Healthy Lifestyle 

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.  They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home  backed up to.   They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.  The old man asked, "what are the green fees?"   Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the finest cuisine in the world laid out.   "How much to eat?" asked the old man.   "Don't you understand yet?   This is heaven, it is free!"  Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.   Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.  Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

- Thanks, Bonecutters!

One Request 

 An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air.  The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.

Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."
 

  - Thanks, Bonecutters!

 Putting Barney in his Place

  A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes of her experience with the little girl.   "She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds.   Finally, I said, 'Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.'  The child looked at me and calmly stated,  'I have Jesus in my heart.   Barney is on my underwear.'

An Old Man and his Dog 

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

 Church Bulletin Bloopers (Part Deux)

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.  Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa!

By the Numbers 

A minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."  From the back of the congregation a woman's voice rang out:  "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

  - Readers Digest p 158 Jan 2000

 Merger Mania

Here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.  Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.  Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening.  Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr.Hargreaves is better.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.